Friday, April 8, 2011

South African Ramblings

It has been just over 24 hours since I have left the US and arrived in South Africa through Amsterdam. Here are some ramblings and rantings...

- I have no idea what my body clock is. I'm 6 hours ahead of NY and woke up at 6 am local time (midnight US EDT) to workout. I guess when I go safari I have to be up early so I need to keep the schedule of a morning show host. Being a comedian vampire this new schedule is making me become everything I hate.

- Anytime you're flying international and the pilot comes on first in a foreign language you swear you've been hijacked, every time. He could be saying anything. Although this pilot sounded like the bowler who tried to steal Marge from Homer in an early Simpson episode. Then when he gets to the English you feel great relief. "Oh, he said we may have some turbulence and then said thank you for flying with us. So this isn't the long-awaited sequel to Passenger 57."

- I don't care how nice a person you are, I don't care how at peace you are with yourself spiritually, if there is a young kid behind you who wavers between ecstatic squealing and fierce crying, you want to put a bullet in that kid. (Yes, I plan to be a father in the next couple years.)

- Dutch flight attendants are so amazing you'd swear they were fembots.

- Still off a high of seeing Wrestlemania and the return of The Rock, I've thoroughly annoyed my wife with a Rock "Finally... The Rock... has come BACK to [insert current location]." So finally the rock has come back to jfk, amsterdam, cape town, the crown lounge, the bathroom, etc...

- Frequent flyer status got me into the Crown Lounge in Amsterdam. It's the most conservative, boring but perk-filled place in the world. If I wanted to, I could quietly get hammered in 10 minutes and no one would know.

- South African toilets have big flush buttons against the wall.

- My father-in-law has scared everyone into not coming in contact with any tap water even though the hotel says it's fine. So in the gym I had purified water from the tap. If I get dysentery I'll stop. By the way, I only know the word 'dysentery' because of The Oregon Trail.

- The terminology is a little off from ours. Elevators are lifts, 'watch your step' is 'mind your step' so I guess watch TV is 'mind TV.'

- Speaking of TV:
==The hotel said ESPN but there was no ESPN just a loop of Mila Kunis promoting the Book of Eli and Johnny Depp promoting The Tourist. WTF
==There are 4 sports channels and they all show rugby or australian rules football. I don't know which is which. All I know is they have a working labor agreement. Take that, NFL!
==Some american networks in South Africa: Cartoon Network, Discover Channel, Disney Channel, MTV. Sorry, not a BBC or Bloomberg guy.

-Speaking of MTV:
While on the treadmill in the fitness room, the only thing I could tolerate was MTV and they were actually showing videos! Ramblings within ramblings...
++ Britney is back.
++ Still don't get the gay kiss in Katy Perry's Firework.
++ Any background dancing girl in a Chris Brown video should be at least an arm's length away from him. You don't want to catch a 'you remind me of Rihanna' haymaker.
++ Chris Guetta is everywhere. I have no idea who he is, but he's everywhere.
+++ My BIGGEST PEEVE is with Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are" video. It's not a powerful message if you're singing you're amazing to a gorgeous Brazilian or mulatto model. Of course she's amazing, she's doesn't need Michael Jackson Lite to tell her that. If you want to make that video mean something, sing you're amazing to someone not gorgeous, female, young and thin. Sing you're amazing to girl who eats ice cream while she watches The Biggest Loser, a gay couple after their reality pilot was turned down by Oxygen or The Situation after he finally realizes he has AIDS. (ripped off the trump roast for that one)

That's all I have for now. I started this my mentioning that I was working out because I run the Long Island Half-Marathon for Fight For Kids on May 1. Please help me fight against child-drugging and support education of alternative handlings by donating at

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